What A Joke

Kyrie Irving was born on March 23rd, 1992. That means Kyrie Irving has been Kyrie Irving for more than 30 years. But he has never been more Kyrie Irving than in the last 24 hours. This the most Kyrie that Kyrie has ever been.

It started with a pair of tweets from Shams Charania. The first is good, the second is legendary.

Here’s the first: Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving is opting into his $37 million player option for the 2022-23 season, @theathletic @Stadium has learned. Irving is bypassing on multiple opt-in and trade scenarios to fulfill his four-year commitment to the Nets and Kevin Durant.

So that means the Part-Timer is opting into his one-year option with the Nets. And that means the Part-Timer is stuck with the Nets. And the Nets are stuck with the Part-Timer. 

But don’t sleep on the second sentence – that he’s “bypassing on multiple opt-in and trade scenarios to fulfill his four-year commitment to the Nets and Kevin Durant.”

What a hilarious statement. 

Bypassing on multiple opt-in and trade scenarios?!? If there had been one remotely appealing opt-in and trade scenario, he’d have grabbed it. He wanted out of Brooklyn about as much as they wanted him out of there.

If any other team sent him a Greyhound ticket, he’d have left in a heartbeat. But nobody did. Nobody wanted him. 

I’m not sure what’s more hilarious – the claim that he bypassed multiple ways of getting out Brooklyn or that he’s staying because he wants to fulfill his commitment to the team and Kevin Durant.

Like this guy is suddenly the most loyal dude on the planet.

This guy hasn’t fulfilled jack in years and now he’s staying to honor his contract? Right, sure. Of course.

The guy was so committed to the team, his teammate, and his contract that he skipped the majority of last season. And now he’s looking to fulfill his commitment? 

What a joke. What an absolute clown. The only reason why he’s staying in Brooklyn is because his leverage play absolutely bombed. He tried getting leverage when he had none.

And everyone knew it. This guy just tried to show up at a poker table at the Bellagio with a bunch of index cards that he’d written “ace” and “king” on in crayon and thought everyone would believe he had a great hand. 

He was playing chess against air, and he still lost. He thought he was the smartest guy in the room and failed, miserably.

He tried everything – he tried to get a big-time extension from the Nets, they weren’t interested. He threatened to leave – no other team was interested. He tried to leverage his relationship with KD – nobody cared.

Dennis Schroder can’t believe how terribly Kyrie read the market.

But as always, there’s more. Because Shams followed the first tweet with this all-time gem of a quote from Kyrie, the chessmaster himself.

“Normal people keep the world going, but those who dare to be different lead us into tomorrow. I’ve made my decision to opt in. See you in the fall. A11even.”

Holy hell. That is the most hilarious quote ever. “Normal people keep the world going, but those who dare to be different lead us into tomorrow.”

Did you rip that from some middle schooler’s yearbook? Was that on a Successors poster? 

“Live, Laugh, Love” can’t believe the stupidity of "Normal people keep the world going, but those who dare to be different lead us into tomorrow.”

That isn’t wise or profound, it’s the dumbest bumper sticker ever. And this dude just slapped it on a rusted-out Yugo and acted like he had a Ferrari.

He just walked up the down escalator and acted like he’d invented a time machine. Except he didn't even walk up the down escalator, he went down the down escalator.

The dude just took a dump IN his own bed and declared “Normal people keep the world going, but those who dare to be different lead us into tomorrow.”

Except that’s giving him too much credit. Taking a dump in your own bed would be radical compared to what he did. 

Not only is the Chessmaster’s quote not wise or profound, IT DOESN’T APPLY HERE.

The Part-Timer opted INTO a 37-million-dollar contract and is saying that he dared to be different.

You just did the thing that absolutely every person on the planet would do. I know you hate normies, but you just did the most normie thing ever. You took the option with the most money. THAT’S NORMAL, YOU DOPE.

There is nothing radical about taking the most money. That’s what humans have done since the invention of money. 

The next time I have breakfast for dinner, I’m going to shout “Normal people keep the world going, but those who dare to be different lead us into tomorrow.”

Except this goof didn’t even have breakfast for dinner. He had dinner for dinner and acted like he changed the world. Ordering three sides and calling it a meal would be radical compared to what this bozo just did. 

Imagine being so far up your own ass that you think you spin opting into a 37 million dollar contract is radical and leads “us into tomorrow.” 

This guy’s acting like he’s Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, and Gandhi rolled into one. When in reality, he’s a point guard who has been an absolute train wreck ever since he left Cleveland.

If you actually dared to be different, you’d have opted out and signed somewhere else. That’s the radical move. Leaving 30 mill on the table, that would’ve been the radical move that could’ve led us into tomorrow. But you didn’t do that. You took the money - the thing that everyone's been doing forever.

Again, the most laughable thing about this guy is he thinks this bleep works. He thinks there are some people that actually buy it. The only person you’re fooling is yourself, Part-Timer. 

The Part-Timer didn’t just strike out. He struck out and hit himself in the crotch with the bat. And then announced that he’d completely changed the world.