The Big Philly Return

We finally made it, baseball fans… it’s finally Opening Day. The real Opening Day. Not the fake Opening Day that happened in the middle of the night, halfway around the world. You know it's the real Opening Day when Sean Casey shows up in the Jungle, and Case is showing up in the Jungle today. Because baseball makes its REAL return in REAL MLB parks all over the country today. 

Except that’s not the big return I want to talk about. At least not off the very top. I want to talk about The Big Philly Return. Just not the one you might think I’m going to talk about. Because, Opening Day in Philly has already been postponed… so technically baseball is NOT returning to Philly today. Philly’s big return actually happened last night. And it was not a joyous, uplifting return. It was pretty much the opposite of that. 

Because last night was the return of THE BEARD. And of course, Philly fan was not exactly hyped to see the big dude. And why would they be? And why would surprise anyone anywhere, that they were happy to see that dude: philly fan isn’t happy unless he or she is unhappy. And you’d knew they’d be even unhappy with the return of the beard?

Of course they hate the guy:  Considering he blew in there for a season and a half to supposedly make the Sixers a contender. And then they didn’t contend. And he was horrendous in the playoffs, like he almost always is. And then he got in a huge public feud with the President of Basketball Ops over a new max deal and demanded a trade. And then he was gone. I know you all remember this...

Usually, that kind of exit doesn't leave the home fans with the warmest feelings in the world. Usually that’s not the kind of stint that gets you inducted into a team's ring of honor. Or gets your jersey retired. Or gets you the key to the city. Especially not that city.

In fact, that’s the kind of stint that usually gets you booed when you come back to town. Any town. But especially that town.

Bear with me if this all sounds pretty obvious and pretty basic. Believe me I know it’s pretty obvious and pretty basic. I’m just trying to help The Beard out, because he seemed a little bit confused about why his ass got booed all night. Even if it’s not remotely confusing to anyone else on the planet.

Credit where it’s due, by the way, because the Clippers did win the game. They did barely scrape it out by one point against the Embiid-less Sixers. And The Fat Suit did dish out 14 dimes, even though he was also 6 for 15 from the floor. But again, the Clippers won the game, and they needed the win, and I’m not just gonna ignore that part.  Especially given how badly they’ve been playing of late. 

But I’m also not gonna ignore the part where The Beard stood in front of reporters after the game and acted like he had no idea why Philly fan was booing his ass.

Which is it dude, did you expect it or are you confused by it? Why would you expect to be booed if you also think they have no reason to boo? You don't know what it's about? Really bro? I believe there's a meme of you rolling your eyes that fits perfectly here.

And you didn’t actually say philly fan probably doesn’t’ even know why they’re booing did you? I didn’t just hear that did I?  Phlly fan may not everything. But philly always know why they’re booing.  Why don’t you go ask one of them why they’re booing: I guarantee not only will they have an answer, they might actually try to fight you

It's hard to get behind this dude... But it's impossible to understand what he doesn't understand here. And I know this where a lot of you run in here and yell at me… because it’s PHILLY FAN, ROME. And PHILLY FAN is CRAZY. And PHILLY FAN HATES EVERYTHING. 

First of all, they don't hate everything. For instance, they love flinging d-cells, just to name an example, they absolutely love chucking batteries. Sure they might be a little crazy, but in the best way, But I'll tell you what they're not... Philly fan is not stupid. 

Philly fan might smash horse pie sandos, sure, but they do it for a reason... That's how they celebrate a championship. They’re not just randomly climbing up greased light poles, they know exactly why they’re climbing up greased light poles when they're climbing up greased light poles and hammer tossing empty vodka bottles. 

Just like they know exactly why they're booing you. And everybody else does too. It might have something to do with the beard bailing on the team. After turning down a $35.6 mil option... Coming off a playoff series where you scored ZERO POINT ZERO combined points in the fourth quarter of Games 5, 6 AND 7. After you did that, you turned down $35.6 mil, demanded a trade, publicly vaporized the Team President and acted like you got ripped off financially, even though you turned down $35 million dollars.

Is that enough reasons Beard? Does that clear anything up? Philly fan, let me know if I missed anything.

And if that wasn't a goofy enough take from Fat Suit, this might be even better, the part where he acts like Philly actually owes him something. 

Dude, come on… you didn’t do anything “for the city” give me a break. At least you immediately caught yourself… “And for myself, obviously.” And it is obvious, because that’s who you are, you always do for yourself.  Essentially at this point of your career, that’s what you’re best known for: doing for yourself. Oh and owning and fat suit and not being afraid to rock it.

Beard, stop acting like Philly fan owes you money. Stop acting like the entire world owes you everything. Stop acting like you have done no wrong, and that everyone has done you wrong. No one not named you, believes that.

It's not even like he's patched things up with the guy running the Sixers. In fact, he made it pretty clear last night that he still hates Daryl Morey and will always hate Daryl Mory. 

Fair enough, but I think the same applies to Philly fan. Philly fan, tell me if I'm wrong, but here's how I'm guessing you'd answer some of these questions:

Philly fan, do you miss The Beard? Hell No

Philly fan, do you want him back? Hell No

Philly fan, are you worse off without him? Hell No.

Philly fan, are you confused why you booed the dude last night? Hell No.

And finally, Philly fan, do you think one day you and Beard will patch things up? Hell No.