O.J. Is Dead

Well I can’t say I expected to start here. I definitely had a killer show planned today, don't get it twisted. I just didn’t plan to do a show on a killer today. 

I can’t say I expected to start with Oadge today. I can’t say I ever expected to start another show with Oadge again. And for some weird reason, I can’t really say I ever expected Oadge to die, either. 

It’s strange but I just didn’t see it coming at all. The monsters never die, the great ones never live long enough but the monsters never seem to die off. Except in this case, because OJ Simpson is, in fact, dead at 76. I never even knew he had cancer, but that’s what got him. Prostate cancer.

And cancer sucks. Cancer is the worst thing ever. Cancer affects way more than just the person whose body it destroys. And I know that first hand. So I want to make sure that I acknowledge Oadge’s family. AKA the people who had nothing to do with any of his violent crimes. So my condolences to them, I'm serious about that.

I'd also like to offer serious congratulations to the Goldman family. Those poor people have been waiting for this day for 30 years now. The Goldman family might be having their best day in 30 years right now. Because their last 30 years were wrecked by this knife wielding psycho.

Look, I’m not trying to pile on, I'm not going out of my way to speak ill of the dead, it’s just inevitable. When you brutally murder two people and get away with it, people are gonna point that out when you bite the dust. And I’m not gonna tell those people they’re wrong to do that, because they aren’t wrong to do that.

Just like there’s nothing I can do to stop the avalanche of reaction I’m about to get today of people dunking on this dude and dancing on his grave before the man is even actually in his own grave. 

Oadge has been arguably the main character of this show over the last 30 years. And it’s not because he was an incredible football player. It’s because he murdered two people and got away with it. At least in criminal court. Civil court found the dude guilty as hell. Probably because he was guilty as hell. And that's probably why he also published a book IF I DID IT all about how he totally did it. 

I just gotta wonder, were there teenage social media influencers hovering around his bed this morning, saying WAKEY WAKEY? Meanwhile Oadge was just unresponsive this time. 

WAKEY WAKEY… seriously old man, get up, you’re ruining our viral video. This joke only works if people think you’re about to wake up and double murder us. Us saying WAKEY WAKEY to some dead dude won’t play on the Instagram stories at all that will just freak people out. For real Oadge... WAKEY WAKEY.

I can't help but wonder what his old coach Bill Walsh would say right now. I know what I would ask him, I would ask.. HEY BILL WALSH… DID YOU KILL OJ??

In fairness, Bill Walsh has a pretty good alibi, considering he’s not with us anymore either. I’ll tell you this much, being dead is a way way better alibi than ‘I packed my bags and made a phone call and took a shower during the 90 minutes that two people were murdered.’ Oh and my buddy Kato says he didn't see me come or go. 

Just imagine that HEY BILL WALSH phone call if it happened this morning... Hey Juice, can you hear me Juice? No buddy, I can't hear you, I'm dead. 

Frankly, Ron and Nicole are lucky they have the same alibi as the Bill Walsh alibi right now, because if not they might be persons of interest in OJ’s death. Remember, OJ tried to warn us that even though Ron and Nicole are physically dead, it’s almost like they were the real murderers. 

No they didn’t, Oadge, prostate cancer got you. Ron and Nicole are physically dead and now so are you. And on a beef day of all days.

I gotta beef... I actually think this is a universal beef, I think everyone can get behind this beef. My beef is with cancer. Because cancer is the worst thing in the world. But also because I wanted to be the one to take Oadge out. Signed, everyone.

At least I don’t have to ever worry about running into Oadge on the strip. And at least nobody else ever needs to worry about running into one of his knives ever again either.

Look, I know you clones are gonna have a field day with this and obviously there's nothing I can do to stop you. Just know that the only reaction I'm really looking forward to is the statement from Ron and Nicole's Ghosts. Because Ron and Nicole's Ghosts actually follow me on the X, believe it or not. Under the handle @Sore_Throats_. And @Sore_Throats_ regularly participates in this program. And I would never tell the Ghosts of Ron and Nicole what to say in a moment like this. 

But if I were running the handle @Sore_Throats_ today, I'd probably just say something like this... What a shame, now Oadge will never be able to find the real killer....

The Simpson family has issued a statement:

On April 10th, our father, Orenthal James Simpson, succumbed to his battle with cancer.

He was surrounded by his children and grandchildren. 

During this time of transition, his family asks that you please respect their wishes for privacy and grace.

You’d like privacy and grace...oh ok...ehhhhhh!! Sure, anything the same sort of grace he afforded the brown and Goldman families when he took their loved ones from them.  you want Simpson family. Except that.