NFL Week 5

It was only fitting that another huge NFL Sunday ended with a prime time showcase of one of the biggest superstars in the game. And I'm talking of course about Justin Tucker.

Nobody should be surprised that Tucker stole the show from Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson last night. Because there's never been anything more automatic than Justin Tucker in a big spot.

We all know sex is undefeated. Father Time is undefeated. And Justin Tucker in a big spot is undefeated AS WELL.

Literally, the dude never misses. He doesn’t just have the highest field goal percentage ever. He's now 17 for 17 in the final minute of regulation in his career. And he's hit 61 consecutive field goals in the fourth quarter and overtime. 

In other words, he’s not just the best kicker ever, he’s lapping the field. And so it was the least surprising ending ever when the game came down to this dude last night, he smoked it right down the middle and walked it off.

And because nobody deserved it more.. of course he got the postgame interview on SNF. AKA the one reserved for the biggest star in the game.

“I’m just a system kicker… the ball kicks itself at this point.” I don't know whether he’s trolling us or is just the most humble, modest dude who ever lived. But I do know… those kicks do not kick themselves. They go in because the GOAT kicks them in. 

The kicking GOAT stole the show in prime time, meanwhile the QB GOAT needed his own rules to hang on for dear life against the FailClowns. And I shouldn’t even be doing that, Atlanta. For once, you were the ones making a crazy comeback instead of the ones suffocating and gagging and dying right there on the field.

Atlanta was in the process of a shocking comeback on multiple levels... and then the GOAT got bailed out by the zebras. [INSERT PXP BRADY ROUGHING THE PASSER]

You know I hate focusing on the ref show. But there's no way around this one, the ref show screwed over the Falcons. That is the worst call of the season so far. It's the worst roughing the passer call I've ever seen. It’s just flat out one of the worst calls ever in a pro football game.

Just because Bacon45 is geriatric and missing half his face doesn’t mean nobody is allowed to sack the dude. There are no special rules in the pocket for human scarecrows playing quarterback.

Apparently referee Jerome Boger needs to hear that, and he needs a quick Football 101 crash course too. Because this was his excuse after the game: “What I had was the defender grabbed the quarterback while he was still in the pocket, and unnecessarily throwing him to the ground.” 

Sir… you just described a sack. He didn’t “unnecessarily” throw Bacon45 to the ground… that’s called his job. Bring down the QB. And there was nothing excessive about it.

Even the Dirty Bird himself Jamal Anderson came out to flame the refs AND Bacon45.

Jamal Anderson @jamthedirtybird

No player in the history of this league has benefited more from horrible calls from referees than Tom Brady. It began with the tuck, it continues today with the Birds getting F*****

The Birds did get effed. But they should try not being down 21-0 next time. Although apparently being so bad you bore your opponent can actually work. Because after the game, Devin White just came right out and said that’s exactly what happened. [DEVIN WHITE WHEN YOU’RE DOMINATING A TEAM, IT CAN GET BORING]

Damn, I’m not sure what was more disrespectful, the roughing the passer call or that comment. My answer, as always, YES. Talk about saying the quiet part out loud. As always with the FailClowns, it’s add insult to injury… and then add another insult.

You know who never gets bored beating the crap out of teams? The Buffalo freaking Bills. Shoutout to Rick in Buffalo. [INSERT PETE IN MICHIGAN]

Yo Mafia… how we living? How's the hangover? I know, I know... totally worth it. The only thing better than being a 2 TD favorite against the Steelers is curb stomping the Steelers by five touchdowns. What a freaking beat down. What a laser show. 

It took 64 seconds for Josh Allen to unleash a 98 yard bomb to Gabe Davis and that was basically the ballgame right there. [INSERT PXP ALLEN TO DAVIS 98 YARD BOMB]

That is the sound of 1-4, Pittsburgh. That is the sound of pretty much the first rebuilding year THERE IN DECADES. At least KENNY Pickett show some fight. Like, this dude literally went down swinging. Dude took them tiny hands and let them go. 

You see the rookie throwing hands at Shaq Lawson? I don’t know whether to call that ballsy or crazy, but at least one person on the Steelers wants to fight. Even if the entire rest of the team looks like they’re ready to go 1-2-3 Cancun and call it a season.

It’s not all bad in PA though because... damn Philly fan… how does 5-0 feel this morning? The Phillies are in the Division Series, the Eagles are 5-0 and Philly fan is eyeing up the nearest horse. Philly fan is starving for a horsepie sando right now.

Because the Eagles are undefeated. Which is a lot more than I can say for Kyler Murray’s wardrobe. This dude wore an L to the stadium yesterday. Everyone in that locker room had to know as soon as they saw that lime green bell-bottomed suit that it was not gonna be a good day. And it was not a good day for the Cardinals.

Thanks, in large part, to Philly fan. Who showed up in the Phoenix and actually forced the Cardinals offense in a silent count multiple times yesterday.

That's how fired up Philly fan is right now and they damn well should be. And you know #1 Philly fan  Nick Sirianni was fired up too. He showed up to the postgame presser rocking a Mike Schmidt Phillies jersey and shouted out his favorite horsepie housing fans.

Philly fan: I know, you know, who this usually goes. And now that I’m all in and riding shotty on this bandwagon, we’re liable to take rig right off the cliff and die a horrific death after our whip burst into flames and we’re all burned to a crisp. Or maybe, just maybe that’s not what happens. You got a pretty stiff test and you passed it: and you traveled to the desert and took over their house.  I get that there is soooo much football to be played. But maybe, just maybe, this is one of the rare times where all’s well that ends well, and it ends with me joining you in the streets and smashing horse crap sandos and trying to shimmy up crisco’ed light poles.  All I know is, I want to fight this dude and party with him in the streets of Philly when you do finish this thing.