NBA All-Star Weekend Garbage

A year ago, I sat in this very box and told you that the NBA-All Star game was an abomination to the sport of basketball. And that the game being an abomination was nothing new. And that it would only get worse. And I wasn’t wrong about any of it.

At this point, trashing the NBA All-Star game is the easiest take in the world. It’s the lowest hanging fruit there is. The only thing easier than trashing the All-Star game is trashing the dunk contest. Which is officially back to being unwatchable garbage after one mildly entertaining year.

The whole Mac McClung thing last year was almost cool… so of course the league just ran it back again. It was sort of different and interesting that a 6 foot 2 inch 180 pound G-League-ing, Tik Tok'ing viral dunker won the dunk contest. Or you could have seen it as the moment the dunk contest officially jumped the shark.  Either/or .  For me, as always, my answer is YES.

But at least it was something different last year. This time around, Commissioner Ears and company decided to jump the same shark again. They basically decided to pull the shark out of the water and have the shark jump the shark this time, instead of having the Fonz do it.
 

The dunk contest was unwatchable … but the All Star game was straight up torture. Commish Ears keeps trying to get these dudes to show some effort and every year they prove how little they care what Commish Ears wants. He keeps trying to get them to give a damn. But they don’t. 

397 total points were scored in that game last night. The East scored 211. 211 points in a basketball game. And who said Doc Rivers didn't deserve to be coaching in the game. If only Doc could figure out how to get the Bucks to score 211 points in a real game, all the dude's problems would be solved.

But that's kind of the point right, this is not a real game. This is as far from a real game as you can possibly get. I I’ve seen more competitive layup lines. I've seen games of horse with more stakes. I’ve taken naps that were more intense than that basketball game last night. People in the middle of a REM cycle show more effort and focus than NBA players in the All-Star game. 

Even Ears himself couldn’t hide how pissed he was after the game.  After all, the guy has spent much of the season talking about how motivated he was to get these guy motivated to play: he even said as recently as Saturday, he expected a good game: ehhhhhh!!  That’s not what you got Ears, what you got is known in these parts as assss.  So, of course he was pissed: and didn’t try to hide it either when he QUOTE “congratulated” the champs.

Ears was all confused like, you guys actually tried in the Ears Invitational, the hell happened tonight? You loved my Ears Invitational so much that the Lakers couldn’t wait to sully their legacy by hanging a banner for it. But you couldn’t be bothered to put on a show for the Ears All-Star game?

You know why that is, Ears? I can help you with that. Because you bribed them to play in your little in season tourney. You want them to care about the all-star game, pay them like you did for your I-S-T...  Because they don’t give a damn. And if they don’t give a damn, why should any of us. I would not watch a minute of that garbage if I wasn’t paid to watch it.  In fact, at this point, I’m looking to pay the suits in New York to get me out of having to watch it. I get that at this point, all All-Star games suck, but none more so than the NBA’s All-Star game. Those guys care about one thing: not getting hurt.  They admit it; they don’t even try to hide it. The only person on this planet who thought that they were going to get anything other than what they got last night, was you ears.  So I have no idea why you’re up here, all butt hurt and in your feels about that. Again, one year ago, I said it was horrible and it would be even worse a year later. And it was.

At this point it's almost comical to watch a collection of some of the greatest athletes on the planet gather every year for what is supposed to be a showcase of their talent... and then showcase absolutely none of their talent.

Like, I’m happy for Dame Lillard. Happy he scooped MVP of the game last night and happy he won the three point contest on Saturday. But if I’m being totally honest and totally fair, the real MVP was probably up on the second floor. Luka Doncic. Because nobody was more committed last night. More committed to the spirit of All-Star weekend. In other words, nobody was more committed to the spirit of not trying, and being lazy and getting rejected by the rim.

I’m barely even kidding about that, Commissioner Ears and company might well just embrace the suck at this point and give an award to the dude who gives the least effort. Because then that would be the only competitive part of the weekend. 

Because like I said off the top, this weekend sucking is nothing new and nothing that’s gonna change any time soon. And saying something sucks isn’t a take, and saying the suckiest thing ever sucks is really not a take. So I’ll go in a totally different direction instead. I’ll go against the current with a nice radio edition of all-star weekend. Here are some of the things I actually liked about All Star weekend, here we go:

The Steph vs Sabrina shootout was cool. It was fun. It was different. It was unfortunately only about 6 minutes of entertainment in an otherwise very long, very unentertaining weekend. But at least it had some energy about it.

The L-E-D court... also very cool. A little strange but mostly very cool. But where were the LED courts for the Ears Invitational? Why did we have to suffer through those horrifying paint jobs when there was a way cooler option? I personally never thought the floor itself needed to be gimmicky, but if we're gonna be gimmicky little bitches about it, gimme an LED floor over a whack paint job any day. 

I also liked that the game happened in Indy. Awesome to see the Pacers in such a good place and the fans in Indiana getting a chance to host a world class event. A world class event where you get to watch the best basketball players in the world give zero craps and play the laziest possible basketball game.

You know who else was really happy to have the game in Indy?? My guy Chuck. As always, I love me some Charles Barkley. And my guy Chuck was ON ONE last night. Probably because my dude was bored out of his mind. And when my dude gets bored out of his mind, he starts taking wild unprovoked shots at entire cities.

Frisco fan, you call me a hater, but I’ve never, ever popped off on you guys like Chuck did last night. 

Damn Chuck! Somebody pull Chuck off of Frisco. Dude just went Jo Noah on the Bay. Dude just went Gino in San Antonio on San Fran. And he really did it with bum smack. Guy really was that bored with the game and who could blame him? We were all that bored with the game.
Which is why the part that I like most about NBA All-Star weekend is that it's over.