MLB's New Uniforms

I don’t often have many good things to say about Major League Baseball these days. Or any good things to say. Which is unfortunate because you all know I love baseball. It’s like when Rick Pitino said, it’s not St John’s, it’s my team… same thing, it’s not baseball, it’s the people who run baseball. The people who are running baseball straight into the ground.

I love the sport but the people who run the sport clearly hate the sport. But this time, I gotta hand it to them, for once. Because for once, the people who run baseball actually came up with a great idea. Probably by accident. In fact, I’m sure it was by accident, there’s no way they meant to do this. But I’m gonna give them credit for it anyway because bottom line, it’s amazing. It’s straight up genius actually.

The newest innovation to the game is the oldest trick in the book. The new idea to get more eyeballs on the sport is to give those eyeballs something to look at. Or really, I should say, giving those eyes some balls to look at. Some bats and balls.

Because the new baseball innovation that debuted this week that I absolutely love, and want to give the league a ton of credit for, that new innovation is… SEE THROUGH PANTS. 

See, Alvin's already excited. And when you see these pants you're all gonna be excited too. You’re gonna wonder where they’ve been our entire lives. When you see right through these pants for the first time, you’re gonna wonder where these have been over the last 120 years of Major League Baseball.

I’m not joking or exaggerating either, MLB’s new Nike uniforms manufactured by Fanatics feature see through pants. And all you have to do to confirm this is check any of the media day photos of any team in the league. Just be warned, the photos are graphic. The photos are what we call NSFW not suitable for work. Because these new baseball pants are BORDERLINE EROTIC.

There’s nothing borderline about it, actually. That’s why I love them. That’s why I think they’re such a good idea. MLB isn’t even leaning into this enough, this should be like a whole joint MLB/onlyfans venture. Where the see through uniform is just the tease and if you want the rest of the show, you have to go to the player’s onlyfans account. I’m telling you that could be a major revenue driver.

You know what’s a much better idea to drive revenue than making the bases a little bigger? See through pants. Yeah, sure, some people might like the pitch clock but you know what everyone likes? Porn. MLB actually gets it for once, because nothing will get asses in those seats faster than showing a little D and B.

You have to promote your best assets if you want to succeed, especially now that people have so many entertainment options and so many adult entertainment options. It’s only logical that MLB would put a bigger spotlight on its sticks and balls. It’s not like its revolutionary either, Brian Giles and his naked BP was way ahead of this. He knew exactly what the game needed… more skin

That’s why I’m surprised the MLBPA is all bent right now. Tony Clark and the rest of the players association should be looking at this as a potential major moneymaker instead of some sort of problem. 

"It's disappointing that we've landed in a place where the uniforms are the topic of discussion.”

Disappointing to who? No it’s not disappointing, it’s amazing. This is my favorite topic of baseball conversation in years. This is one of the best ideas Rob Manfred’s league office has ever produced. In fact, it might be the first good idea Rob Manfred’s league office ever produced. And it’s not even a good idea, it’s a brilliant idea. It’s the best idea ever.

Which is why I’m gonna agree with something you say for once, Bob. Because Bob basically called his shot when he said this last week about the new uniforms.

See everyone, there’s no mistake here. There’s no manufacturing error or miscalculation. You just heard it from the commish himself, these uniforms have been tested more extensively than any jersey in any sport. So the fact that you can see the D’s and B’s of the player’s right through the pants is absolutely, 100% intentional. They tested the crap out of those pants TO MAKE SURE you could see those D’s and b’s. Those D's and B's are not a bug, they're the FEATURE.

And of course they are. I don’t know why that surprises anyone, you all know sex is undefeated. Which is why I again don’t get why the players association is so put out about it. Tony Clark also said he’s been fielding pretty much non-stop complaints and that "A lot of the rhetoric is confirmation that the pants are see-through… universal concern is the pant." 

Universal concern? It should be universal acclaim! And the players don’t need to provide confirmation that the pants are see-through, the league already confirmed it. When they were doing their extensive testing, you know more extensive than any jersey in any sport.

Come on players, you’re overthinking it. The league actually got this one right. What do you care anyway, you’re the ones who have no problem waltzing through the clubhouse with your dongs swinging around for reporters. Suddenly you guys are shy? Suddenly you guys don’t want to show a little D and B? Since when? 

Just wait til the naked games start, that’s when things will really get spicy again for baseball. That's when the pastime will become the pastime once again. When we get to see a naked World Series. Or a naked Home Run Derby, even better, what a spectacle that would be. 

Again, credit goes to Bob Manfred and all that extensive testing, hard work really does pay off. This really could be his defining era… Selig had the Steroid Era… Manfred now has the Dong era. It’s like he listened to Dong Day last year and was like, you know what, that could work for us. In fact, we don’t need a Dong Day… we need a Dong Season. Hell we’re Major League Baseball, every season should be Dong Season.

Look, baseball can’t rely on baseball alone, we all know this. Bob Manfred had to do something to get people to the ballpark. And he came up with a stroke of genius. So maybe I have to toss out an apology, because maybe you do know how to have fun Bob.

Last week, I took issue with your bizarre career announcement, you know, the one where you said you’re leaving… in 2029. And I also hated that extra cringe part at the end when you tried to make a joke about fun.

My response to that was what the hell does this guy know about fun? And then I had Alvie run him for stating his age. It sounded like this.

But I’m a big enough man to admit when I’m wrong, and I was wrong. Apparently Bob Manfred knows all about a good time. And apparently Bob wants to bring that good time to the ballpark.  And by good time, I mean GOOD PORN. And frankly, it’s about time. Way to go Bob. Way to actually, finally, come up with a good idea.