Jason Kelce’s Retirement Announcement

Hey Philly Fan… how you holding up? I know it’s been a rough few days. First, you lost one of the greatest traditions in Philly sports history… Dollar Dog Night. And if you didn’t think it could possibly get any worse than that, you just lost one of the greatest athletes in Philly sports history too.

I’m not gonna say that Jason Kelce’s retirement announcement yesterday was shocking, but I’m sure there were plenty of Philly fans still holding out hope that he was coming back. Holding out hope that the presser he called yesterday was to do another Kelce keg stand and announce that he isn’t going anywhere.

As we all know, that’s not what happened. What did happen, however, was one of the greatest retirement speeches I’ve ever seen. I’m not gonna go full Philly fan and deem it the best retirement speech since Gehrig called himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

But I’ll say this, I totally get why there are Philly fans running around with that take today. On the spectrum of crazy takes you might hear from a Philly fan right now, that take isn’t that crazy. And no matter how much Kelce fatigue you might have and no matter how much you might be tired of hearing from this Eagles team, you have to respect this dude. And his epic career. And his epic performance at the podium yesterday.

Because Jason Kelce really sat down and just poured his heart out for 45 straight minutes.  And it was already off the rails before he even got going, and I mean that in the best way possible. Dude lost it before he even started.

No that wasn’t a good start it was a great start. Because it was real and raw and set the tone for the entire speech. It was kinda like a funeral but a happy funeral. Everyone in the room had their tissues out and everyone was crying and his whole family was there and it was amazing. I’ve never seen a retirement announcement like it. Then again, I’ve never seen a dude like this dude either. There is no dude like this dude.

And one thing is for absolutely sure… nobody loves football like this dude loves football. Look, we all love football. But nobody loves football like Jason Kelce loves football. Greg Maddux didn’t even love to pitch as much as Jason Kelce loves football.

There were plenty of emotional moments but this one addressing his bro really got the waterworks going in the room

It was like an onion cutting convention in there. They had Travis split screened and he was bawling and they were cutting to his wife Kylie and she was crying and half of social media was following along getting all dusty with it too. 

But of course, there was also some signature Jason comedy gold in this announcement too. And of course, you clones are gonna love this one.

This dude… once again, there’s just nobody like him. And I’m not sure there’s ever been a better center. And I know for sure that Coach Rock Paper Scissors is gonna have a really hard time replacing him.

It’s the last thing Mr. LESS THINKING EQUALS TALENT TAKEOVER needed. Reports already suggest that Fletcher Cox has one foot out the door, it’s totally possible that the Eagles are about to lose their leaders on each side of the ball this offseason. 

I’m sure that will totally help stop the bleeding. I’m sure Nick Sirianni has it all under control. Or one of his assistants will handle it, I’m not really positive on what Nick is even allowed to do anymore since he can’t go near the offense or the defense. 

But Philly fan, you shouldn’t worry about all that right now. Yes, your Eagles are a mess, we all know it, but your center was an icon. He’s Philly sports royalty. And he just went out like the legend that he is. So don't go riot on the streets because he's gone, just be happy that his legendary career ever happened. Or at least try to be happy, I know you guys don't really do happy. I know you guys just lost Dollar Dog night. And I know none of you have been truly happy since the day of the parade. But don't ever forget who made that day so special. 

If you saw the guy, you thought he just got out of the gym. Plain black sleeveless shirt.

The only thing more perfect would be if he came to his presser wearing the same thing he wore during the Bills/ Chiefs game… which was no shirt.

In honor of Jason, I'm actually rocking a black sleeveless shirt right now. Too bad you can't see it, but you will shortly on the X.