Horrible NBA Playoff Basketball

I won’t sit here this morning and tell you it was the greatest opening weekend of NBA playoff basketball ever. In fact, what I WILL tell you is it was straight ASS. And I will ask of no one in particular, Commissioner Ears, you had to sit through that entire boring ass regular season just to give more of exactly the same on the big stage, under the bright lights. Seriously? Other than last night’s Thunder-Pels tilt, could the rest of these game been any less interesting or any less competitive. When the product should be at its absolute, it was actually at its worst. At for the first weekend. Again, just one good game: and no, the Pels didn’t pull the upset over the top seed thunder without the Z-N-P, but they damn near did pull it off and probably do win that game if they had the Z-N-P.  But at least there was an actual reason to watch to the end. Unlike pretty much every other game all weekend. 

This is what we’ve been waiting all year for, Ears? A bunch of blowouts? Some of the biggest names in the sport not on the flow? And the chalkiest of chalk? The home team and higher seed winning every single game easily? How is the Ears Postseason Invitational even lamer than the Ears In-Season Tournament?

I guess that’s why the Pelicans should get some credit right off the top. They at least played the one seed tough they at least made OKC uncomfortable. Even without Pie-On.  And hot takers I know you can’t wait to vomit up your steam lava about how the pels are even better without the Z-N-P.  I’d tell you not to do it but that be an absolute waste of my time and breath because that’s why at takers do: they talk out there ass to get gullible people to look at them and react to them. The Pelicans are not better without Zion National Pork. Period. But they have proven they can win without him and damn near did it again.

The Chunk of Dunk goes down and New Orleans turns around and vaporizes the Kings on Friday night. Ho ho ho Sac Town… I have no idea what that was… but ho ho ho was it ugly.

Watching the Kings on Friday night was almost as painful as listening to a Ryan in Sac Town phone call. Yo Beam Town, hope you guys had fun winning your Super Bowl and lighting your beam when you beat the Dubs... Because that's all you have to celebrate this season.

Then New Orleans turned around and backed up that Sac Town beat down with a game effort last night. I feel like they should also get points for sound bite of the weekend, because Larry Nance Jr dropped a gem after the Friday night win. 

'No Jontay' is incredible. I feel like that's gonna stick. I had the same thought too... Respectfully, I was betting on the Pels +9 last night. And I really was betting. I went full Jontay on the Pels last night.

One dude nobody was betting on going into these playoffs is Dame Dolla. My guy has been catching nothing but strays and to be totally honest he’s deserved a lot of it. Underwhelming is the word that has best summed up his time in Milwaukee... Until yesterday. Until he decided that the first half against the Pacers was officially Dame Time.

Dude just reminded everyone why he needed out of Portland. He reminded us what he’s really in Milwaukee for. That. To do that. 

Dame's like no Giannis? Psht please, here’s 35 in the first half. Dame's like Haliburton on the Olympic team over me?? Psht please... Here have the most points in a half in franchise history.

You know you had a great half when you don’t have to score at all in the second half and the game is still an absolute beatdown my dude ended the Pacers in two quarters. And then after the game he reminded us how happy he is to be in the playoffs, no offense Portland.

Dame's like you think I wanted to be at Coachella? You think I like roughing it out in the desert heat for the chance to see Lana Del Rey? You guys think I care about Sabrina Carpenter? Because I don't.

In all seriousness, great to see Dame looking like Dame and the Bucks definitely agree. Dame finally looked like Dame again just like the Celtics finally looked like the Celtics again. After they seemingly got bored and coasted for the last couple months. 

And look, I'm not blaming them, they won the East by 14 games. Of course there was gonna be some coasting. All that mattered was that Boston was able to throw the switch   on for the playoffs and after game 1 it looks pretty clear that that’s exactly what they did

But here's what I'm not gonna do today Chowd Town half fam, I'm not about to cry foul or make accusations of dirty play. No, I do not think the Heat were intentionally trying to injure Jayson Tatum at the end of that game.

And you shouldn't be worked up about it either, half fam, because your coach actually loved it. As strange as this reaction is to seeing your star player get trucked from behind and fly way in the air and land hard on his back.

He enjoyed watching it? I get that he's excited that it adds some extra motivation, but he enjoyed watching Jason Tatum get lit up? He basically Irsay’ed his best player going down HARD?  You loved seeing your franchise guy possible shatter is tail bone? 

Mazzulla is a different kind of dude, but one thing is absolutely clear about the Celtics: they aren't messing around. They're serious now. Anyone who thought they got bored late in the regular season was right, they did get bored, of course they got bored. But that has nothing to do with the postseason. These dudes didn't show up to get upset by the 8 seed.

Speaking of upsets you know now that I think about it, there was one upset this weekend I forgot about. That upset would be James Harden actually showing up and showing out in a huge playoff game. Can't say I saw that one coming. 

The Fat Suit went up to the second floor and got some buckets. Harden actually showed up and the entire Mavericks team not named Luca or Kyrie totally no-showed. 

To their credit, I can’t say the Lake Show no-showed. The Lake Show actually played a pretty good game. Which should be extremely alarming for Car Flag Nation because their good game didn’t even push Denver. Again. For the ninth time in a row. NINE TIMES the Nuggets have beaten the Lakers now. NINE TIMES. NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NINE TIMES.

Hey Ham, you said you wanted all the smoke. Well, here's your smoke, Ham. You're getting it dude. And we actually have live, exclusive on-court audio of LeCap from the fourth quarter of game one.

We also have audio of LeCap's reaction every time D'Angelo Russell threw up another brick. 

Remember when DLO tried to tell us that WE were making it a whole DLO/Denver thing. Even though he was the one who was horrendous against them in the playoffs last year? And even though the Lakers desperately need this dude to hit some shots to have any chance?

We never made anything a DLO/Denver thing. DLO made it a DLO/Denver thing and he just made sure it stays a thing with a 1 for 9 performance from three. But there is no DLO/Denver thing, guys.

Yo Ham, you tell me… after the playoff opening weekend who looks more vulnerable: the defending champs who just stomped your asses for the NINTH straight time? Or the Thunder, who almost lost Game 1 at home to a team you just beat twice in a row, in their building? You tell me Ham, would you rather be playing OKC or Denver right now? 

Do you get it now Ham? Are you finally understanding or is this still insane asylum talk? I know, I know, you wanted all the smoke. Well you're getting it, Ham. What you’re getting is SMOKED HAM, HAM.