CNN Reporter Asks Patrick Mahomes About Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy guy is having one hell of a week. In fact, times have never been better for conspiracy guy. And conspiracy guy has never been louder about it. Or so well represented in the NFL world.

Seriously it’s like you kooks run everything now.  Even though you never have any actual evidence or anything real or tangible to back up any of your extremely whack over the top, totally unfathomable takes and/or theories.

No, of course the Super Bowl was not fixed. No, there is not some conspiracy to crown the Chiefs. No, the league didn’t set up Taylor Swift to sell makeup ads or some nonsense. And no, the White House most definitely did not plant her in a relationship with Travis Kelce with the hopes of… I don’t even know what. 

It’s really hard for me to even begin to entertain the logic here, because I don’t see the logic here. And the reason I don’t see any logic here is because there is no logic here. 

And yet there is still apparently enough here that Patrick Mahomes was asked about it this week in an interview on CNN. I’m not talking about some crazy, out-there, lava-flinging podcast. This is CNN. 

This is Patrick Mahomes, sitting right up the street inside Disneyland, looking hungover as hell, seriously having to answer a question on CNN about, well, I’m not even sure. Because I don't understand what any of this is actually about? Maybe you can figure it out. 

You should try to stay off CNN as much as possible too, bro. I mean for real… the hell was that?  For once, I even indulge Big Head and his idol Rex Lee I mean, what that a question?  

Here’s a decent rule if you’re interviewing someone on national television… if you’re confused by your own question, you probably shouldn’t be asking it. Because if you don’t know what you’re asking… how the hell is the person you’re interviewing supposed to know?

Basically if I can try to translate that question… crazy people think crazy things, what do you make of it Pat? Real productive use of having the three-time Super Bowl MVP on your air, well done everyone.

Hey Pat, crazy people think crazy things that also completely devalue your biggest professional accomplishments… what do you make of that? Hey Pat, people think the moon is made out of cheese, what do you make of that? Hey Pat, people are saying that the moon landing was actually filmed in a studio lot in Burbank, not far from where you’re sitting right now, what do you make of that? Hey Pat, lots of people out there, including some prominent NBA players, think the earth is flat… what is your response to those people?

Seriously, how did we end up here? Somebody connect these dots for me and make it make sense. In fact, don’t. Don’t do that. I don’t want to hear it, kooks. You get enough run as it is. 

Even though none of you kooks can explain how you script the perfect MUFFED punt to flip the Super Bowl. How do you script the perfect MUFF that hits a dude in the perfect spot in the ankle from 60 yards away and then takes a perfect bounce right to the returner so he can immediately cough it up? How do you choreograph that one, conspiracy theorists? Don’t answer that either.

What are we doing here? I mean, what are we doing? What are we talking about and what are we doing?

The worst part is you all know I used to love a good conspiracy theory. They used to be fun. Until the kooks ruined them for everyone. 

A good conspiracy is like a good tequila. A lot of fun if used responsibly. Used responsibly, it’s like the best time ever.

But if you toss back an entire bottle of Don Julio and then black out and then drive your car into someone’s living room, you’re obviously not doing it right. You're obviously doing it wrong. You’re just drunk and out of control and a menace to everyone.

That’s what you conspiracy kooks are like, you’re blackout drunk and out of control and making no sense and ruining the fun for everyone. And somehow, you kooks seem to be winning anyway. Again, I'd say make it make sense, but I know it doesn't make any sense. And I know you kooks don't care if it makes no sense because you kooks don't operate on logic... And that's why the rest of us can't win.