Absurd Excuses Coming Out Of Philly

Philly, you know I love you. Because there’s no other town like Philly. And there’s no other fan like Philly fan. And I’m not SURE that there’s a sports scene like Philly sports scene either. Let me put it this way, bleep happens in Philly sports that just wouldn’t happen anywhere else. Which brings me to the big viral report out of Philly that everyone is talking about this morning.

Of course, Eagles fan is still trying to figure out what the hell happened to their football team this year. How the Eagles went from 10-1 and a legitimate super bowl contender after just missing the season before, to getting their heads caved in by the Giants and then crashing and burning out of the playoffs. 

I can’t overstate it, it was one of the most complete and total collapses of a season we’ve ever seen. So of course, everyone in Philly is still looking for answers. Which is why the following X post about two of the supposed biggest factors in the demise is getting a ton of run:

Derrick Gunn @realdgunn

According to sources: 

Jalen big contract-pulled in numerous directions on/off field put him under a lot of pressure he didn’t handle well

Big Dom suspended-controls Sirianni emotions on sideline in his absence Nick gets in numerous arguments with players/coaches during games

Wait, hold up, huh? The first part I totally get, we could all see it, Hurts regressed and he looked miserable doing it.  And he was banged up: it was a lot, maybe even too much for this dude. But, that’s obviously not the part I’m doing a double take on. I’m doing the double take on Big Dom’s suspension being cited as one of the main factors in the Eagles downfall.

Big Dom DiSandro. The Eagles head of security. You’re trying to tell me the Eagles head of security getting suspended is a big reason the football team completely fell apart? And the reason the Eagles head of security was so important was because he was basically Nick Sirianni’s babysitter on the sideline? And without his babysitter babysitting him, Nick Sirianni was such a baby that he pissed everyone off so much that it factor into them completely going into the tank?

I mean, even for Philly that's absurd. You know what’s even more absurd than that… I almost kind of want to believe it. Like, it’s almost plausible. It almost makes sense to me even though it makes no sense at all.

Look, we know Rock Paper Sirianni can be really annoying. And we all watched how miserable that sideline looked while their season was going up in flames. Maybe they were all just missing Big Dom the Big Babysitter. 

It’s ridiculous, but then again, that’s Philly sports. We know something happened. Something that caused this season to swirl down the toilet. And whatever that thing was, they were never able to just flush it and move on. 

You see turds that big don’t just get flushed down the toilet: turds that big actually clog the toilet, then it overflows and you have that turd and water running down the hallway in your house.  That’s what happens when you can’t flush a turd that enormous; and then have to call my dude matt in la to come and make it right. 

So, what I’m saying is all broke loose when they didn’t have their alpha to lean on: not the coach, the star qb 1, but the giant bouncer they had on their sideline: Big Dom apparently was their magic power: the impossible match up for the opposition: I’m starting to think all three phases ran directly through that dude. That’s a dude who imposes will; that’s a dude who embraces the violence: that’s a dude who never back down.  Don’t believe me, you see that cat going chest to chest Dre Greenlaw of the Niners :Big Dom absolutely looked as if he was going to let the hands go with one of the baddest dudes in the league: you see that?  I know Kyle Shanahan saw it: and he was fired up about it:

You hear the Junior Lobster getting all bent and out of breath and hyperventilating over Big Dom? Hey, if Big Dom can live rent free in Junior Lobster’s head then maybe he really is that important. Let me put it this way… Big Dom showed up to that Frisco game ready for a fight… and then we basically never saw another Eagle show up ready for a fight the entire rest of the season. 

Who knew that all along their secret weapon was Big Dom? And who knew Nick Sirianni would forget how to coach without his bouncer looking over his shoulder at all times? Maybe Sirianni never did know how to coach in the first place and it was all Big Dom all along. Maybe Nick Sirianni’s secret philosophy from the beginning was actually LESS THINKING EQUALS DOM TAKE OVER.

Although in that case, they really should have whacked Sirianni and made Big Dom the head coach right? Because now they have a CEO-style head coach who is apparently only effective if his bodyguard slash babysitter is around. So why not just let the bodyguard slash babysitter run the show? Why do they even need Coach Rock Paper Scissors? 

Obviously, I’m highlighting the absurdity of this situation. No, I don't actually think Big Dom DiSandro’s suspension was the entire reason the Eagles season cratered. As amazing as it would be if it were true. Because it would be the most absurd and most Philly thing ever if it were true. But even the fact that Philly is talking about this right now is one of the most absurd and most Philly things ever.

For the record, there's already clap back on this report from my dude AJ Brown late last night. And anyone who says nothing good ever happens on social media after midnight ET is full of crap. Because this X AJ Brown dropped isn’t just good, it’s incredible:

AJ BROWN @1kalwaysopen_

Philly media is so lame. It’s literally something every day. Then the fans be believe the BS. They really should start raising the prices of microphones and cameras because you people will say anything for views. I see why nobody likes us because we don’t even like us. #realitytv

"I can see why nobody likes us because we don’t even like us." Amazing line. Although I gotta push back my dude, because I love you guys. I love Philly and Philly media and Philly player and Philly phanatic and all things Philly. And here’s why: if Team Content had to pick a home city… Team Content would totally settle down in Philadelphia.

"They really should start raising the prices of microphones and cameras!" All timer. Like, we gotta keep the riff raff out of the media somehow… these crazy people who will say anything and can get their hands on microphones and cameras WAY too easily these days.  Make it harder for these hacks to get their hands on mics and cameras and then we’ll fix the problem: well played, A.J.. Respect.

Look, here’s the deal, something happened. Something happened to that team. They went from the verge of a Super Bowl to dog crap. They went from one of the best teams in the league to one of the biggest disasters in the league. It didn’t happen for no reason. So of course Philly fan and Philly media are gonna speculate. That’s what comes with the territory of seeing a 10-1 season utterly implode.

But I think most Philly fans understand that it wasn’t all on Big Dom the Big Babysitter and his suspension. I’ll give Philly fan that much credit. They might love talking crap. And housing horse crap sandos. And hammer tossing empty vodka bottles. And whipping d-cell batteries. But I think they know enough to know the Eagles head of security getting suspended was not the sole reason for the team’s downfall. As amazing and as absurd and as Philly as it would be if it were true. 

Because if that's all it was, they would have snapped back into form when Big Dom returned to the sideline for the Wild Card game in Tampa. But we all know that didn't happen. The Eagles looked exactly the same in that game, maybe more miserable than ever, actually. So clearly, it wasn't all about Big Dom. And maybe they really do have to look into raising the price of microphones and cameras in Philly. Except then we would have way less amazingly absurd and amazingly Philly topics like this to talk about.