A Five Year Farewell Tour For Bob Manfred

I have amazing news today, baseball fans. Well, not really. I have news that sounds like amazing news but is actually terrible news. I’ll start with the first part, the part that sounds like great news, but just don’t get too excited ok? Fair warning.

Alright here it goes, the great news is… rob Manfred is stepping down as the commissioner of Major League Baseball. 

I’m not kidding, this is real. This is not a drill. And it’s something truly worth celebrating. I almost want to break out a bottle of ‘42 and pour a round of shots for the XR4Ti. It’s like a national holiday for baseball fans. Seriously the best news ever, right?

Wrong. 

Errrrrrrr.

It’s not that I just pulled a fast one on you and bob isn’t actually leaving, because he actually is leaving. He’s just not leaving until, wait for it, 2029. Somehow, I’m not making that part up either.

Bob Manfred really, actually announced yesterday that he's stepping down… in five years. That was his big announcement. This will be his last term as commish and that term ends in 2029. Which honestly might as well be 2050. That’s not an announcement that he’s stepping down, that’s an announcement that he’s never leaving.

Five more years??? Five?? I mean at this rate he will have succeeded in murdering baseball by the end of this term. If he keeps on his current pace, MLB won’t even need a commissioner by 2029 because the sport will already be six feet under.

Five more years of Rob Manfred? And that announcement was supposed to make anyone feel better? That doesn't make anyone feel any better, it makes everyone feel way worse. I would have been so much happier not knowing. I would have been so much happier in the blissful ignorance of thinking that he couldn’t possibly last more than one or two more years. 

Instead, we get a five year farewell tour for Bob Manfred. The longest farewell tour in the history of the world. And a farewell tour that nobody in the world wants. He’s about to be the lamest duck in the history of lame ducks. 

Five more years of rob Manfred… that wasn’t an announcement that he’s leaving… that was an announcement that he’s staying! He just announced that he’s stepping down in 2029 and nobody can believe we have to deal with him until 2029. And check out the way he made the announcement. 

You can only have so much fun in one lifetime?? Fun? What fun? I think bob Manfred is the last person on earth I would associate with the word fun. I feel like the word fun is offended to even be in a sentence with Bob Manfred. Bob... Keep fun out your bleeping mouth.  You’ve sucked virtually all the fun out of the game itself: dude when the last time you had fun was. Ever?

He can only have so much fun in one lifetime… so when does that fun begin exactly? Is that why he needs to step down in five years… so that he can finally go have some fun? 

This is the same dude who said that called the commissioner’s trophy just a piece of metal. That’s the dude now lecturing us on how much fun is possible in a lifetime. 

It’s like he always says the most out of touch thing possible on purpose. It’s like his entire act is just one giant troll job. And honestly, I would respect it so much more if it was. If he was actually just trying to troll the hell out of all baseball fans and baseball players at all times, I would call him a genius. Because he couldn’t possibly be better at trolling all baseball fans at all times. The problem is, he’s not actually trying to be a troll. He’s just that lost.

Case in point, his message to a’s fan yesterday. The commish’s message to devastated A’s fan still broken up about losing their franchise to Vegas was this:

“First of all, we do have a major-league team in the bay area. It's not like there is not an available option. The giants obviously still play there.”

See that a’s fan, no one took anything from you.  We didn’t leave you empty handed.  You’re good.  You still have a team.  Sure, it’s a team you hate: a team that’s a bitter rival; but it’s still a team: so … just go root for the giants. I mean, duh… they’re right there across the bay. Just root for those guys, it's just laundry, what's the difference?  

You gotta be kidding with this bob. Do you seriously understand nothing about your fans? About your customers? About the people who support your league and your franchises and your paycheck for your never ending tenure? Could this man be any more clueless?  Do you really just tell A’s find to stop complaining and go become Giants fans: find me a dumber thing that a commissioner of any sport as ever said: I’ll wait. 

Speaking of which, hey Frisco fan, I know it’s look you’re not going anywhere, but never say never Frisco faaaan, and if you’re team were to move, don’t sweat, just go be dodger fans. You know like when the chargers went to L.A., all those charger fans in San Diego who got screwed by the move just because Raider fans, ammirite Manfred. Hey, hey, while you’re at commissioner, why not just contract the Mets: why do we even have them: they’re a joke anyway: contract them. And turn Mets fans into Yankee fans. Hey this fun, hey Yankee fan, why don’t ya’ll just get your bleep together and root for the Red Sox, ya know the easy the commissioner thinks as fans will become Frisco fan. Hey Yankee fan, just root for the red sox, it’s only a four hour train ride to Fenway. Aka, your new home ballpark Yankee fan. You're welcome.  You follow me, rob?  You hear how ridiculous you sound every time you open mouth.  I’m leaving.... In five years. Hey A’s fan. You still have the Giants. 

It’s like Bob Manfred is constantly trying to say the dumbest possible thing. And he’s not just trying, he’s succeeding. And lucky us, we get five more years of this unbelievably out of touch weirdo saying unbelievably out of touch things and trying to murder the national pastime. And he’s going to succeed at that too, and it says here it won’t take nearly that long to do it.